Growing with Your Children

“Oooooh!”
“Hasn’t she grown?!”
“Isn’t she getting big now?!”

We the parents stand behind our children as they get compliments on their growth and development whilst we look on, exhausted and ragged. Yet we have a secret that few can see. My daughter would call it my Secret Superpower: we parents are also growing at an astonishing rate.

We are currently engaged in two of the most expansive, amazing, creative experiences of our lives: having a family and living in a strange new land. Can you even conceive of all the things that you have learnt over the past few years? We learned to fold nappies and at the same time learned to fold our recycling. We learned how to ride out a tantrum and work out (or not!) how to weigh our carrots at Migros (sometimes simultaneously). We are growing and expanding on two levels, just like a struggling bilingual child entering school for the first time.

The guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child-raising is not the child but the parent. – Frank Pittman in Man Enough: Fathers, Sons, and the Search for Masculinity (1994)

It can often seem as if the opposite were true: that we are losing our mental faculties as parents. We talk about having a “baby brain” or claim to be lacking mental simulation to the point that our precious brains are dribbling out of our ears. We are actually mentally occupied with a different form of learning.

A 2014 medical study showed that the pregnancy “baby brain” phenomenon was indeed true! Whilst pregnant, mums are not just knitting baby eyebrows, they are also experiencing an expansion of their brain’s neurology so that they can process their baby’s facial expressions. This is simply one of many things (besides the correct way to purchase carrots) that we learn in the early years of being a parent. Isn’t it curious how this rapid and expansive learning remains invisible within parent’s lives?

Some parts of our adult brains stay as malleable as a baby’s, so we can create neurons and learn new things throughout our lives. – Brain Rules by John Medina (2009, 2014)

We are also growing on a psychological level, just as our children are. We are learning about the depth and breadth of love whilst, often simultaneously, learning the many levels of frustration! We experience a whole new range of thinking and emotions that we never thought possible. We also learn that we are not who we thought we were (especially as we embrace life as expats): our ideas of family, country, language, career all start to crumble.

It may seem like a retrograde step, but just like “baby brain,” it is misunderstood. This is an exciting time for expansion, change and growth. It is a chance to let go of all aspects of ourselves that are no longer relevant and helpful to us and to start to fill our lives with what we do want. What excites you about life? What is fun? What have you always wanted to explore?

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. – Joyce Maynard

I am not going to now, nor shall I ever, advocate “growing up.” Heaven forbid such a horror should ever happen to you. I am talking about something far yummier and fun: growing, expanding and experiencing all that life, as we define it, has to offer. Don’t try to do “adult”; just do “you”!

“Nobody feels like an adult. It’s the world’s dirty secret.”    — “Liberal Arts” (2012 movie)

How can you pick from the huge selection of experiences that are available to us over the Internet? Dump any ideas of what is a “good idea” or things that you “should do.” These will not help you grow; they will only add to that heavy bag of good intentions that you and I drag around with us. Look instead to being led by what excites you; what makes you giggle.

I started in the world of MOOCs (massive open on-line courses) with educational behavioural psychology. This, believe it or not, does float my boat, mainly because I am a little weird and love to learn. I did a few of the more professional courses, but then I started to have real fun: I am now taking a jazz course that is filling the house with new and glorious sounds! Next month is wine tasting (over the Internet – should be fun!) and then, who knows? I am navigating now on based on what expands my life, enhances my appreciation of life, and gives me excitement.

What activities or courses would light up your world? I have provided some links for you below.

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. – Eleanor Roosevelt

On-line resources:

• Coursera offer free university standard courses online.
• EdX: Free courses and MOOCs from universities such as Berkley, Washington and Harvard in the USA
• TED Talks
• YouTube is not just for watching cat videos! There is also a stunning collection of documentaries and films on any subject you can imagine.
• Great courses: The MOOC system that came before Coursera and EdX. These are paid courses, but still great!
• Check out your favourite galleries and universities for their own free offerings.
• FYI: Research into the phenomenon of “baby brain” (article in The Telegraph)

By Tammy Furey

Tammy is a coach, writer and blogger who lives in St. Gallen with her husband and daughter whilst attempting (badly) to speak German and fold her paper recycling in the correct manner. Visit her at www.fureycoaching.com. She also runs a free expat Facebook support group for mums: www.facebook.com/groups/whiteknuckleparenting/ (if link doesn’t work, type the address into your browser).

Illustration by Laura Munteanu

Laura has studied Journalism and Advertising, and has been working as a journalist and an illustrator. She has been illustrating for magazines, websites, charity and diverse campaigns. She lives in Zurich with her husband and six-year-old daughter.